By JESSE SCACCIA
I thought this was an interesting article in today’s New York Times Magazine, given our conversation this weekend.
(And no, I’m not posting this just to prove that I read newspapers other than USA Today, as some of you suggested.)
Here are the first couple paragraphs:
Perhaps you know it by its other names: helicoptering, smothering mothering, alpha parenting, child-centered parenting. Or maybe there’s a description you’ve coined on your own but kept to yourself: Overly enmeshed parenting? Get-them-into-Harvard-or-bust parenting? My-own-mother-never-breast-fed-me-so-I-am-never-going-to-let-my-kid-out-of-my-sight parenting?
There are, similarly, any number of theories as to why 21st-century mothers and fathers feel compelled to micromanage their offspring: these are enlightened parents, sacrificing their own needs to give their children every emotional, intellectual and material advantage; or floundering parents, trying their best to navigate a changing world; or narcissistic parents, who see their children as both the center of the universe and an extension of themselves.
But whatever you call it, and however it began, its days may be numbered…
15 Comments
June 1, 2009 at 12:09 am
You are really not impressing me with your reading material. Are you even a parent? If people are begining to slack off (even more) with regard to parenting it’s just because they are increasingly lazy. And no, I don’t run my children all over creation in order to give them bigger and better opportunities in life, but nor do I adopt a slackard’s attitude about parenting. This article is in danger of giving the brainwashed masses a legitimate excuse for doing even less for/with their children. There’s quality journalism for you.
June 1, 2009 at 8:38 am
Your bias is making a correlation between homeschooling and smothering that is just not there. A homeschooled child can be smothered just as much as a non-homeschooled child. Giving your child the best education possible doesn’t equal smothering.
June 1, 2009 at 10:15 am
I am a member of both camps. My oldest has been both homeschooled for a period of time and my two young daughters are homeschooled. I really can lean toward over-parenting myself as I think many of us can. But I really like to stay away from steriotyping because I feel each day and each decision lends itself to a fresh start. In our country we have a great opportunity to choose from more than just one or two ways to teach our children. Each one of us will choose the way we think is best for our own reasons. I do think that we have a tremendous opportunity to show by example how people of opposing views can work together and occupy the same space in a spirit of acceptance and dignity.
June 1, 2009 at 12:20 pm
You know, there is an online test to see if you are helicoptering somewhere. I took it last year — and was told that I needed to do MORE to guide my child. Hm… yup, one of those over-protective homeschool moms.
My son is in college, a couple years younger than most of his classmates, but he’s grown tall enough that it isn’t always readily apparent anymore. I do try to kick him in the pants a bit to get him to set up that appointment with the advisor, that sort of thing… but otherwise, he is responsible for his school work.
I was really surprised, though, that the quiz had pegged me as doing too little — since I was, to my thinking, quite involved. Must be a matter of perspective.
June 1, 2009 at 6:45 pm
Note to self: Where is my daughter right now? Did they say she was going to Susan’s house or Jennifer’s house? Or maybe it was swimming with Becky?
I wonder what my son wanted with a 50 foot rope, a jar of peanut butter, and a pack of matches…..
June 2, 2009 at 4:18 am
It’s funny, the free-range parenting she mentions at the end of the article is one that is utilised by unschoolers. This style of parenting was promoted by Jean Liedloff in her book “The Continuum Concept” and most of the people on CC mailing lists are home educators.
I don’t think I’m jumping to the defensive here. After all you did link this article back to your last couple of posts yourself, so you are making assumptions about homeschoolers again. Just as in the schoolgoing population (and as in other respects, e.g. religion), homeschoolers span the whole spectrum, in this case from overprotective to downright free-range (to put it euphemistically).
I think that this over-protectiveness is a feature of American life that shocked me when I lived there briefly (I grew up in South Africa). In Germany, where we lived for a while too, children are expected to behave more independently than US kids. For example, children walk to school without their parents, even in the first grade. My (home educated) son used to cycle 8 miles into the city from our house at the age of 12 in order to play Yugioh cards in the back room of a gaming shop with a range of people of various ages and backgrounds (none of whom I vetted).
June 2, 2009 at 9:24 am
That article was disappointing. If you ever read “The Over-Scheduled Child” (book) formerly titled “Hyper-Parenting” I’d love to hear your thoughts. Authors Alvin Rosenfeld MD and Nicole Wise. Much more to think about and react to in the book than in that article.
I also find it odd when some teachers accuse parents of caring too much yet the teachers and school staff like to insert their opinion the child and force the parent to sometimes make changes to do what the school staff wants for the child.
I base this opinion on what my teacher friends and teacher relatives tell me, what my teacher aide acquaintences tell me, interactions my relatives and friends have with the school staff their kids attend as well as opinions of teachers who share thoughts on their blogs.
I’m a homeschooling mother who cares and loves her children. If my children ever wind up in a school, public or private I will still care and love my children.
June 3, 2009 at 5:50 am
The NYT article never seemed to decide who its target of criticism was. Is it yuppie parents who hyperschedule little Genevieve and Tristan in an attempt to get them into Harvard so that mom & dad can bask in the reflected glory? Crunchy granola parents who graduate from babywearing and co-sleeping to homeschooling? Paranoid parents who watch too much cable news and see dangers lurking around every corner?
June 3, 2009 at 8:53 am
ROTFLMFAO!
Yep, overparenting is the current greatest threat to western civilization. Absolutely Bro. I’m with you, chapter and verse…
…not!
June 5, 2009 at 7:34 am
For me, this is good news. Part of why I want to homeschool is to give my child time to just be a kid and explore. Personally, I think too many parents have it backwards. They worry about Harvard from the womb. Who’s to say that child is a scholar? Young adults (teenagers) need to learn to take initiative for their lives and the directions they take. All this helicopter parenting has lead to impressive kids who never seem to grow up. Why learn violin, do community service, and play competitive tennis to try to impress a college that sees hundreds of such kids. If my kids take up music, may it be from a creative desire and love of beauty.
I was 33 before I realized what I wanted. I’d been dragged the whole way through top schools and pushed the achieve. I shutter to think of all the effort and money wasted on me. The most valuable things I’ve learned have been the things I’ve pursued on my own. I know it was done out of love, but it puts the horse before the cart.
June 5, 2009 at 3:04 pm
Excuse me, “…cart before the horse.”
June 7, 2009 at 10:36 pm
It’s a good thing that most homeschool parents are not over parenting their kids.
At one time, parents expected to know where their kids were at and with whom they were with.
I still do. That’s not “over parenting”. That’s being a responsible parent. If more parents were doing this, there would be less drug/alcohol abuse with our kids and less teen pregnancy’s.
At one time, parents had to meet their kids friends AND their parents.
I still do. That’s not “over parenting”. That’s being a responsible parent. If more parents did this, their would be less child molestation, less drug/alcohol abuse, and less teen pregnancy.
At one time, parents had moral standards and their kids were expected to meet those standards.
I still do. That’s not “over parenting”. That’s being a responsible parent. If more parents did this, we’d have less crime, more mutual respect for one another, and a better society.
Because I homeschool, my kids can participate in several different activities each week without it being “over scheduled”. That’s part of the beauty of homeschooling.
But because of my homeschooling, my son will also take a couple trips overseas in the next 2 years. He will also participate on a college campus early…is that over parenting?
I think he will get more diversity, more cultural experience, and more socializing than the average public/private school student.
June 25, 2009 at 3:12 pm
It’s funny, sometimes I think it’s the school parents who are overinvolved in their kids’ lives, more so than the homeschoolers I know.
So many times I’ve been part of a group that included school parents and they start talking about school — teachers their children had, homework, what track their child is in, etc. It struck me that they were overinvolved with their kids — these parents had some time to talk to adults while the kids weren’t there and they chose to talk about their kids and school. It’s at these times that I often find myself looking for non-parents or other adults who seem to be interested in talking about the books they’re reading or politics or anything but the kids.
I homeschool, I know about my kids. I don’t assume you are interested in what they are reading, thinking, or learning unless you ask me. I am certainly not going to offer up this information as a way to compete with others. It’s harder to compare homeschooled kids and I like it that way.
July 11, 2009 at 11:02 pm
So, I’m assuming the “over the weekend” posts you are referring to are those about homeschooling? So, logically, were you saying that home educators helicopter parent?
I suppose some parents choose to homeschool to exert an extraordinary amount of control over their children out of fear just as some parents won’t let their child climb a tree. But I think you’ll find (if you were to look) that a majority of home educators choose to do so with the goal of allowing their children to pursue their own interests in their own time as one of their higher goals.
That is actually one of our reasons for homeschooling. Do we know their friends and parents? Yeah. That’s just being responsible. Do we operate out of fear? Nope. A fearful parent creates fearful children. If you met mine, I have a feeling that “fearful” and “overparented” wouldn’t be words you would use.
November 23, 2009 at 10:27 am
whats this and what i am searching for?